Adventures of Alba

There ain't no place to run to, no there ain't no place to run.

2011-10-25T23:32:00.000-07:00

This feeling inside me, it burns. Inside me, it aches and I'm terrified of it. Will it leave me in tatters? My ashes litter the ground and remnants of who I was are blown away by the wind that sweeps these ashes away. I don't know who I am anymore. Everything is changing so suddenly and I'm feeling these things that I never have before. My mind wanders places so unfamiliar and I'm scared to venture away from the present. Never before have I felt so uncertain of myself. I don't know what I want or what I need. I feel so very alone and so very scared. I can't stop crying and I feel ill. Make these feelings leave me - eradicate them from my mind, body and soul. To face these feelings means that everything will change and I just don't think I am strong enough - not even close.

A buffet of hot salted chips.

2011-10-25T23:26:00.000-07:00

The rocks meet the water at the river's edge, moss covered and old, insignificant enough alone, yet the piles of rocks that converge by the water make for a beautiful display of calm. The river glistens under the pale blue sky, devoid of clouds and gentle ripples over the water reflect the light breeze that pushes cool air around on an otherwise warm day.

Boats float restlessly atop the water, not content with standing still on such a perfect day. People ride bikes on the water's edge, amidst the sunshine others cruise along the river in ferries. Any opportunity is perfect to soak in the atmosphere on a day so divine. Seagulls crowd near beach-goers, eager to steal unwanted food. On days like this, they can indulge in anything they want. It's a buffet of hot salted chips, fish battered and fried, and ice cream.

On days like today, no one can argue or complain about the weather because it's not too hot, nor too cold. It's the happy Spring day that everyone dreams of..

Vanishing weekends in a small town.

2011-10-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

Heavy, dark eyes flick open in the morning to a cacophony of sounds from a radio-alarm. Fuck. I start work in just ten minutes. Sheets unravelled, a resting lover, two strokes of a ceramic straightener, toothpaste and I'm out the door. I'm frothing at the mouth like a rabid dog, no doubt I look like one as I stumble through my house in a mad, disorganised fluster. Late for work on my day off. Overtime is a bitch. No time for breakfast - I'll have coffee at work.

In my car with 5 minutes to spare before Satan will breathe fire down my neck for being late again. The inside of my car is filled with flashing lights - seems to be a few things wrong, I'll fix them one day, for now, my car is moving and that's enough for me.

Sprinting to my desk in a building of ridiculous proportions. The staff within are also ridiculously proportioned with bottoms too wide for seats and stumps for legs - they waddle around the building and I watch them to amuse myself on weekdays. Sometimes the sight of them is enough to replace the suicidal thoughts this place evokes.

A plethora of files litter my desk - white, black, white, black - everything is like that here. There is no colour - not even a sign of grey.

There is never variety; everything is yes or no, right or wrong and everything is just a repeat of the previous day. Mundane, bland days filled with angry brokers, eye-blinding computer screens and infuriating co-workers. I fight the urge to stab the freak next to me with a pen or a highlighter..

You leave me falling

2011-10-25T22:52:00.000-07:00

Why will it hurt so much if you let me down, when if anyone else did I would expect it and it wouldn't phase me? Perhaps because you mean something, maybe everything to me. I didn't want to place you on a pedstal, or make you stand about me but there you are. In front of me, never behind, and as if connected by some sort of magnetic force, I follow. I didn't want to follow either, I wanted to be in control but only now I realise, I never was. You pulled me through the mud and I naively agreed, I obeyed your every order - to do anything else would have been ridiculous at the time. How I wish I had pulled together the courage and fortitude to rise about such bullshit.. but I couldn't. I was blinded by your beauty, by comparison I was nothing more than ugly, untalented - just a child in your eyes, maybe.

I was undeveloped but I was always craving more. i wanted to be fulfilled, enlightened, adored.. how naive of me to expect such things from you.

Despite my vague realisation of your manipulation, I would be a liar to say that it we spoke again you couldn't make me weak. You would leave me trembling, shaking and devastated - face down on the cold bathroom floor after I had climbed your wooden stairs on my knees. In pain, I had urgently scaled those steps to reach you - a dark figure willing me to reach the top but when I get there, you were just a mirage. My eyes tricked me; so did you. I hate waiting without an answer and yet you left me hanging by my fingertips on the edge of this cliff. Surely you'd come eventually, I thought. You never came. The tears blinded my eyes and in desperation, I grabbed at anything I could. In the end, there was nothing left to hang onto and I began to fall. I fell in slow motion, towards the dark heavy ground below. But, I know you'll come and catch me before I hit the ground, won't you?

The history of Alba

2011-10-25T22:44:00.000-07:00

This blog contains a series of poems, notes, and stories that I wrote a few years ago, at a rather turbulent stage of my life. It will also feature a letter that I found from my ex-boyfriend. This blog seeks to help me understand who I was by sorting through the ramblings that I have uncovered. I no longer feel so lost in the world but I find there is a certain importance in re-tracing my steps, as lonely as they may have been.